loneliness in two parts

PART 1

I am scared of a lot of things. I really am a massive baby. Horror movies, snakes, the dark, clowns, loud noises, barnacles, heights, climate change, big dogs, the bottom of the ocean, commitment, ants, car crashes, the woods. I am easily scared. Making me scream is not even a challenge.

I am screaming right now. But you can't hear it. I am screaming on the inside. As loud as I can.

I am terrified of being left alone.

I'm not really alone right now. Not technically. My roommate is sleeping on the other side of the wall. My friend is texting me. I could probably call at least a couple people and they would pick up. It's not the same. No matter how many people I have in my life, how close we are, I am lonely.

I don't think about death as much anymore. I still do. It's just not as bad as before. 

It's an easy habit to pick up, though. Like when I started painting my nails so I wouldn't bite them. It worked. Until it didn't. I ate a lot of nail polish.

People are so replaceable. One person walks out and another walks in. They're different but they fill the same space, the same void, that the other left. I wonder who will replace me when I'm dead. I guess that will depend on when it happens and how isolated I have become. 

What is the point of sticking around when anyone could be me?

PART 2

I went to sleep last night, crying. I did what I am supposed to do. I reached out. No one reached back to catch me. 

That's the part that is the hardest. I am trying. I am trying so damn hard every day to be okay, to be happy, to keep breathing. They say that I am important and that they want me around and that I need to be here but where are they? Where are they when I need them? How many times do I reach out before I fall and can't get back up?

I hate being alone. I am too used to it but I fucking hate it. And it makes me hate myself more. How can I be doing all the right things and end up in the same place? I don't understand what else I can possibly do. Except exit stage left. But I'm not supposed to do that.

I'm stuck in limbo. Weightless. Screaming. Alone.

i'm tired of repeating myself

Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me. Pick me.

I am screaming at you in my head. I am begging you. Look into my eyes. I can't say the words out loud but please hear me. 

Please pick me for once.

Don't make me feel like an idiot again. Don't make me feel stupid for picking you every time. Please, don't fucking do it.

How can you keep ripping me apart? Is this fun for you? Is it a game? Do you even notice?

Do you even fucking notice?

It is not fair that I trust you, that I put so much time and effort into you, into us. It is not fair that I am constantly fighting for you to even remember I am here. It is not fair that you keep walking all over me and I have no choice but to let you because I don't know how to do anything different. 

Why do you give everyone else your time? Why do I have to crawl on my knees until they are bruised and bloody and I can't even stand anymore before you even glance in my direction?

I don't want to be the victim. I don't want to always be this person because I know I am a fucking good friend and I have a huge heart with a lot of love to give.

Please. For once. Pick me.