Thoughts from a broken girl at 1am

It sucks
Because I've been here
Worrying about you
Crying over you
Trying to make you care
But you couldn't have cared less
I wasn't enough for you
I didn't matter to you at all
You were the air in my lungs
You were the blood in my veins
And I was nothing to you
Now you can go on with your life
Just like it never happened
But I'm still here
Still worrying about you
Still crying over you
Still waiting for you to care

My broken, empty heart

I suppose I should have seen this coming. I mean, it always happens. Always.
This boy, that made me feel so special and treated me like I was the only girl in the world, did exactly what they've all done; he stomped on my already damaged heart and trampled it until there was nothing left.
How did he do such a thing? He happened to have recently gotten a new girlfriend and brought her with him to the homecoming football game, which, of course, I was at. One of his friends mentioned it to me and, since no one knew how I felt how about him, I had to pretend I didn't even care and laugh it off.
When I found out, though, something inside me just sort of collapsed and fell apart. I really wasn't angry or sad, though I did want to cry a little, I just felt very... hollow. It was like seeing them together was the final straw, it was the thing that finally broke me. I should be devastated. I should be bawling my eyes out and wanting to stab him in the face. But I don't feel anything.
I'm so empty, so devoid of emotion, that I'm actually a little scared. My head keeps telling me I should be feeling something and I try to force myself to feel it but it's not real. I was a wreck before, torn apart and sewn back together too many times to count, but now there's no other way to describe it except that I'm broken. I'm broken and I don't think anyone can fix it this time.
~Wannabe

A stupid boy and a foolish girl

I didn't really want to bring boy issues back into the picture on this blog because it just felt a little bit wrong to do that. I would've stayed completely away from the whole topic but recently there's been something that's really affected me.
I have been friends with this guy for awhile now and we talked a little bit at the end of summer and, when school started, we started talking even more. At first I was just happy being friends with him but then things started to change.
He was being increasingly nicer and sweeter and more charming and he made me feel so special. I was nearly on my way to being head over heels for him, to be honest. Then, all of a sudden, he wouldn't reply to my texts even if we were in the middle of a conversation, he practically avoided me at school and, when I did see him, he barely spoke to me. It was like I didn't even exist to him anymore.
I don't understand how he could be so nice and pay so much attention to me and the moment I start to think I might have feelings for him, he just disappears.
I'm so utterly confused and it's so frustrating trying to figure it all out. I want to yell at him and punch him and make him feel as miserable as I do right now but at the same time, I do still care about him, even if it is just as friends. I definitely don't want to not have him in my life but I don't know if I can and still be happy.
It's a little bit unfair, I think, that here I am, sad and lonely and altogether not alright, wasting my time thinking about this stupid boy and he's off going about his day, completely not bothered at all, because I really wasn't that important anyway.
~Wannabe

Thoughts on the way home from school

My nail polish is chipped
There's a blister on the back of my heel
My hair is a bit too frizzy
And makeup can't hide my acne that well
I crave attention and I care too much what others think of me
I don't know what I'm doing and I don't really know who I am
But I do know that I deserve better than what I have right now
I deserve to be happy
I deserve to love and be loved
I deserve someone who'll always reply to my texts
I deserve someone who knows my favourite colour and my favourite song
I deserve someone who would always pick me to be on their team first
I deserve someone who knows when I need a hug and who treats me like their equal
I know I don't deserve the best
But I definitely deserve better than this

Is it easier to just stop feeling altogether?

This summer has been a little bit of a rollercoaster for me. There's been more lows than highs, more bad days than good. I've acknowledged that there's some things that aren't quite right happening in my head but I still haven't asked for help. I keep telling myself that I can fix it on my own but I can't. I know I should tell someone but I think I'm just waiting for someone to notice that I'm not alright, that I'm lying every time I say "I'm fine".
More than anything I want to stop feeling so sad and lonely all the time. No matter what I did or who I saw that day, I crawl into bed and I just feel like shit. I almost would rather stop feeling this than keep living the way I've been living. It's hard to wake up every morning, wash off the tears, cover the dark circles under my eyes and force a smile onto my face. I don't know if it's all worth it anymore. I hate feeling this way; I just want it to be over.
~Wannabe

I don't like what I see in the mirror

For awhile, I was pretty comfortable with my body; I didn't really care what I looked like. Now, though, I look at myself and I don't like what I see. I see my muffin top spilling over, my huge thighs, an uneven tan, and some frizzy hair. I don't feel pretty.
My friends would say "Don't say that! You're beautiful just the way you are!". The thing is, if I asked them to switch bodies with me for a day, they'd probably say no.
I was told once that it's my confidence that makes me pretty. What about the days when I'm not confident? What about the days when I'm so insecure and want to curl up in a hole and die? Am I less pretty then?
My point is that beauty is subjective so some people might say I'm alright but other people might think I'm downright ugly. I used to be okay with that. Now? I wouldn't want to switch bodies with me either.
~Wannabe

A symptom of depression: Helplessness

Last night, after finishing that last post, I went to bed. As soon as I turned off my light and crawled under the blankets, I lost control. I couldn't stop myself. I was sobbing, pulling at my hair, choking on tears. It went for a few minutes until I was gasping for air; I couldn't make myself breathe properly. Finally, I got air into my lungs and forced myself to calm down so it wouldn't happen again. I just felt so helpless and alone.
I needed to talk to someone but I couldn't think of anyone that I trusted who would wake up if I called them. If you have someone who is willing to wake up at 1am and listen to you cry on the phone, don't ever let them go. I wish I had someone like that.
When I woke up this morning, I didn't feel all there. I felt like part of me had disappeared.
For the last couple of weeks, in the back of my mind I've known that I'm not been alright. It's more than being sad and feeling sorry for myself.
Just before writing this, I googled 'symptoms of depression'. In a list of 11 symptoms, I identified with 10. That was scary but what was absolutely terrifying was when I googled 'symptoms of anxiety', I found I had all the symptoms of generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) and that anxiety and depression are closely linked.
Now I realise that I was just reading this off the internet and that I can't diagnose myself but the way I've felt these past couple of months, it just doesn't seem like a coincidence. 
My problem is what do I do now? Do I tell someone? Do I keep it to myself? I just feel so alone in all of this. Why is there so many things wrong with me?
~Wannabe

Right back to the start

It's crazy how things come full circle sometimes.
The people who I thought were my friends started blocking me out, ignoring me, leaving me behind. It took me too long to realise that it wasn't just a phase, that they didn't want me to be their friend. It hurt a lot. I will admit I cried myself to sleep a couple times. It stings when I see pictures of them hanging out and having fun or when I had to walk past them gossiping in the hallways. I just thought I was done with all that crap back in middle school.
After my "friends" rejected me, I was lost for awhile, slowly drifting, trying to find someone, something to hold on to. Eventually, the nicest, sweetest person I've probably ever met let me in to her life, into her circle. It took a little bit but soon I had friends again. They're good, kind people that accepted me for me.
Now that we've gotten to know each other better, I'm scared they'll start wondering why they even were friends with me in the first place. Once the cracks start to form, it's not like I can just put tape over them and hope they'll go away. These people mean the world to me and I don't think I'll be able to handle it if they leave me behind too.
~Wannabe

Good days are scary

I've noticed lately that every time something starts to go wrong, I can't imagine it being any worse than it is in that moment and I tell myself that everything has to get better. Like the laws of the universe state that you have to hit a low point in your life before you get to the good parts in life. The thing is that I feel like I'm at my designated lowest-point-in-my-life-and-things-couldn't-be-worse moment and the next day it feels like everything is okay. But it turns out it's not.
It's just a roller coaster. I get a few bad days in a row and then I get a great day and it gives me hope but then it all just goes back to the way it was. Good days scare me. Being happy scares me. I don't want to be lead on by the feeling that everything is becoming fine and dandy when it's not.
I'm more used to bad days than good days now. So much so that sometimes I wonder if it would be better to continue to be unhappy instead of having nice moments every once in awhile. They're always too short. The good days always end too early. What if the rest of my life is like this? A never ending cycle of a whole lot of bad days and a few good ones here and there.
I want to get off this ride. This is not what I paid for.
~Wannabe

I thought I was done crying over this

Ever since my whole friend issues back in grade 7, I'm consciously aware of how I appear to others and what they think of me, especially my friends. In grade 8, my life seemed to have improved greatly; I made more friends, I finally got over Dave and I felt like I had found the right place for me to be. Everything was awesome in grade 9 and so it made me think "I over the worst of it. High school is going to be fine because at least now I have friends that actually like me!" Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.
This year, I don't have very many classes with a lot of my friends from middle school, just a couple each semester, but I didn't think that would change anything. After all, we could still see each other during lunch and before school and all that. Nope.
See, things happen during classes. Jokes are made and secrets are shared. Soon, if you're not kept up in the loop, you get left out of everything; you're an outsider. Nobody cares that you have no clue what they're talking about because you're irrelevant. That's how I live my life now.
I don't have a best friend or someone I can talk to anymore. Whenever I mention it to someone, they tell me that I just should get new friends. Like it's that easy. Like it's that easy to leave people I still care about and try again and again to find someone who'll accept but who knows if they'll end up rejecting me later on as well. They say "Join a club!" "Talk to someone you might not normally talk to!". They obviously don't understand. This has happened to me before, with Mandy and my old elementary school friends, and that experience should have taught me how to deal with this but it hasn't.
I cried about it for the first time today. It's actually surprising that it wasn't earlier. Maybe I've gotten a better hold on my emotions. Maybe not. The thing is though, I not so much sad anymore, it's more that I'm mad. I'm mad at my so-called "friends" for making me feel this way. I shouldn't have to try and keep it together all day, just to come home and cry my eyes out. If they were actually my friends, they would see what they're doing to me. But they don't.
I want to ask them if they still like me, if I'm still their friend but I'm too scared. I don't know what's worse: having them think I'm being paranoid or knowing that my thoughts and everyone else was right about them.
It's just not fair.
It's just not.
~Wannabe