I've noticed lately that every time something starts to go wrong, I can't imagine it being any worse than it is in that moment and I tell myself that everything has to get better. Like the laws of the universe state that you have to hit a low point in your life before you get to the good parts in life. The thing is that I feel like I'm at my designated lowest-point-in-my-life-and-things-couldn't-be-worse moment and the next day it feels like everything is okay. But it turns out it's not.
It's just a roller coaster. I get a few bad days in a row and then I get a great day and it gives me hope but then it all just goes back to the way it was. Good days scare me. Being happy scares me. I don't want to be lead on by the feeling that everything is becoming fine and dandy when it's not.
I'm more used to bad days than good days now. So much so that sometimes I wonder if it would be better to continue to be unhappy instead of having nice moments every once in awhile. They're always too short. The good days always end too early. What if the rest of my life is like this? A never ending cycle of a whole lot of bad days and a few good ones here and there.
I want to get off this ride. This is not what I paid for.
~Wannabe
1/18/14
1/16/14
I thought I was done crying over this
Ever since my whole friend issues back in grade 7, I'm consciously aware of how I appear to others and what they think of me, especially my friends. In grade 8, my life seemed to have improved greatly; I made more friends, I finally got over Dave and I felt like I had found the right place for me to be. Everything was awesome in grade 9 and so it made me think "I over the worst of it. High school is going to be fine because at least now I have friends that actually like me!" Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.
This year, I don't have very many classes with a lot of my friends from middle school, just a couple each semester, but I didn't think that would change anything. After all, we could still see each other during lunch and before school and all that. Nope.
See, things happen during classes. Jokes are made and secrets are shared. Soon, if you're not kept up in the loop, you get left out of everything; you're an outsider. Nobody cares that you have no clue what they're talking about because you're irrelevant. That's how I live my life now.
I don't have a best friend or someone I can talk to anymore. Whenever I mention it to someone, they tell me that I just should get new friends. Like it's that easy. Like it's that easy to leave people I still care about and try again and again to find someone who'll accept but who knows if they'll end up rejecting me later on as well. They say "Join a club!" "Talk to someone you might not normally talk to!". They obviously don't understand. This has happened to me before, with Mandy and my old elementary school friends, and that experience should have taught me how to deal with this but it hasn't.
I cried about it for the first time today. It's actually surprising that it wasn't earlier. Maybe I've gotten a better hold on my emotions. Maybe not. The thing is though, I not so much sad anymore, it's more that I'm mad. I'm mad at my so-called "friends" for making me feel this way. I shouldn't have to try and keep it together all day, just to come home and cry my eyes out. If they were actually my friends, they would see what they're doing to me. But they don't.
I want to ask them if they still like me, if I'm still their friend but I'm too scared. I don't know what's worse: having them think I'm being paranoid or knowing that my thoughts and everyone else was right about them.
It's just not fair.
It's just not.
~Wannabe
This year, I don't have very many classes with a lot of my friends from middle school, just a couple each semester, but I didn't think that would change anything. After all, we could still see each other during lunch and before school and all that. Nope.
See, things happen during classes. Jokes are made and secrets are shared. Soon, if you're not kept up in the loop, you get left out of everything; you're an outsider. Nobody cares that you have no clue what they're talking about because you're irrelevant. That's how I live my life now.
I don't have a best friend or someone I can talk to anymore. Whenever I mention it to someone, they tell me that I just should get new friends. Like it's that easy. Like it's that easy to leave people I still care about and try again and again to find someone who'll accept but who knows if they'll end up rejecting me later on as well. They say "Join a club!" "Talk to someone you might not normally talk to!". They obviously don't understand. This has happened to me before, with Mandy and my old elementary school friends, and that experience should have taught me how to deal with this but it hasn't.
I cried about it for the first time today. It's actually surprising that it wasn't earlier. Maybe I've gotten a better hold on my emotions. Maybe not. The thing is though, I not so much sad anymore, it's more that I'm mad. I'm mad at my so-called "friends" for making me feel this way. I shouldn't have to try and keep it together all day, just to come home and cry my eyes out. If they were actually my friends, they would see what they're doing to me. But they don't.
I want to ask them if they still like me, if I'm still their friend but I'm too scared. I don't know what's worse: having them think I'm being paranoid or knowing that my thoughts and everyone else was right about them.
It's just not fair.
It's just not.
~Wannabe
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