love is love

I like boys. A lot. Always have. Probably always will. I'm just a fan. A big, big fan of boys.
But here's the thing: I like girls too. A lot. Like just-as-much-as-boys a lot.
I've spent the last twenty years of my life chasing boys and believing that I was part of the heterosexual majority of the human race. Well, not necessarily "believing". Assuming might be a better word for it. It's taken awhile but I am trying to be honest with myself, about who I really am.
When LGBTQ+ people come out, a lot of the time the question that gets asked frequently is "How long have you known?". I am not too sure how to answer because, to be honest, being anything other than straight has never seemed like an option. So even when I was feeling some kind of way about a girl, I passed it off as loving them as friend because how could I like anything other than boys? When I made out with girls, I only ever did it because I was drunk, right?
The more I think about it, the more I try to deny it, the more I know I was wrong. Denial is a powerful thing, especially when no one is telling you anything different. Any time I said "I'm straight", it always felt fake but what alternative was there?
More than that, though, I already have enough things to deal with like depression, anxiety, wild mood swings, etc., that adding one more thing to the list that would make my life more difficult makes me almost wish I wasn't born like this. I don't think it's wrong to be gay at all - however anyone chooses to live their life is their business - but looking at everything going on in my life, I just don't know what to do.
See, this is the first time I'm even admitting it. To anyone. Not that this really counts considering no one reads this blog except for me. But still, I can't even say the words "I am bisexual" without bursting into tears or feeling nauseous. I know most of my friends would support me and my sisters would have my back. My parents might be a different story, especially since they're more conservative in their faith than I am. And my extended family is full of nice people who are unfortunately so closed-minded that I don't know that I would be accepted anymore.
Two weeks ago, at the dinner table, my dad and my aunt's boyfriend were making jokes about gays and saying things that not only got under my skin, but scared the shit out of me. If they make jokes about people they don't even know, how would they react if I showed up with a girlfriend? Would they mock me too? Or would they just make comments about me behind my back? What if they hate me?
And my Christian friends? So many of them are really genuine, loving people but not all of them support the gay community and some even actively condemn it. I love God and I love going to church and being a Christian because I know God loves me for me. He made me the way I am so why should liking girls and guys be such a big deal?
I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've been living in a daze for so long and now I can see things clearer but I'm all alone. I want to talk about it but I don't know how to. The words just dry up in my mouth and nothing will come out. But I need to force them out, to stop repressing all of these emotions. Because this is my truth. This is who I am. I don't want to hide anymore. I just want to be me. And live my life. And love who I love. I'm scared shitless. But I know this is the right thing to do.