everything is different but nothing has changed

Two years. It's been two years since I last posted. I may have forgot about this blog. But I guess I'm back. Or maybe this is just an update. Doesn't really matter if no one reads this anymore anyway right? Right.
How much has changed in two years? Everything. And nothing. I have more friends that I love now than I've ever had. The bad thoughts in my head have received labels and now I have words to use as an excuse for why I'm curled up on the bathroom floor at 3am. I've learned firsthand what a real love is. I also learned just how destructive that love can be. I've experienced not sleeping and not eating, being led on and being used, falling in love and falling apart. There's been times when I thought that the happiness had finally reached me. But those were only brief moments. Some things never change. Being happy with my life is one of those things.
I find it weird that I actually have things and people to live for now, reasons to wake in the morning and try to make it through the day. That was something I never used to have. It's also weird that, even with those things and those people in my life, I frequently find myself questioning why I need to be alive.
Death is a silly thing. So final and permanent but also so tempting. It is not something that necessarily scares me. It's inevitable right? But even when it's the only thing that makes sense, the only logical decision, the only thing that I can always count on to be there for me, I still am hesitant. Why? I'm not entirely sure but the times I have been close to embracing it, someone has pulled me back. I always thanked them so maybe I do want to live.
Another big question, though, is do I want to get better? I know what's wrong with me, for the most part, and I understand why it's happening and what it's doing to me. I'm not doing anything about it. My parents know of it, not much though. My friends know. Some of them, the ones that are closest to me usually, tell me I need to get help. Others just laugh at my attempts to joke it off. They don't understand but it's okay. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to understand it either. Back to the question. I don't really have an answer. I know there's something wrong with me but part of me likes being broken I think. I'll let you know if I ever find the answer. Or maybe I won't. We'll see if I remember.
I'm graduating in 4 days. The world is waiting for me. I'm terrified. Thinking about it makes my hands tingly and my throat close up.
I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm anxious. I'm not who I used to be but I'm definitely not who I want to be. One day. Waiting for that one day.
~Wannabe