living with life

It's a new year. I've been away from home for the last two months, travelling. Life continues to move along. For the first time in years, I feel like I'm moving with it.
Taking a gap year was the right decision for me; I just wasn't ready to go back to school, to go back to what was previously such a destructive environment for my wellbeing. What I didn't expect was it to change me so much. Or perhaps change isn't the right word. Growth. I've grown. Being out in the dreaded "real world", away from the stability that school offers and from the people I had previously relied on, was a huge wake up call.
For the first month, I had incredible difficulty making myself do even the simplest things. I started a second job, went to the gym more, starting hiking every week, trying to figure out who I was now that I had graduated and was supposedly a "grownup". But it was all these new additions to my life - that should in theory be exciting and inspiring - that had a bigger impact on my anxiety levels than I had anticipated. In addition to these lifestyle changes, my social circle had suffered greatly after graduation.
Suddenly going from being surrounded by plenty of caring, loving, supportive friends, I had no one. I expected that I wouldn't stay in touch with the majority of the people I went to school with but I had no idea that so many of my closest friends would slip away so quickly. My naivety is somewhat embarrassing but then again I'm young and what goes better with youth than naivety?
So there I was, drowning in a sea of unknown, this being a catalyst for my anxiety attacks. As made clear through past experiences, the bigger the changes in my life, the more time I spend on the floor of my bathroom hyperventilating. In this case, I would lie on the linoleum for hours, shaking and scared of leaving the sanctuary the small room provided. The part I struggled with the most was, with the small remainder of my friends in school or working, I had no one to talk to.
It took time but eventually I was able to get my feet under me, the anxiety shrinking back to the shadows as I faced my problems head on. This process did not appear to be a victory at the time but, when I reconnected with friends from high school, I realized how I was developing into my own person while they were still stuck in the same close-minded and depth-lacking mindset that was present when we graduated.
Looking back, I feel a sense of pride of how I transformed over the last year but I'm still not where I want to be. I know I can be so much more than I am now but it will require change. It will require me to accept and embrace this change and not allow anxiety to slow me down or get in the way.
Life is twisting and turning constantly and I don't want to sit on the sidelines and watch anymore. I'm ready to move. I'm ready to live.